Blaunching Our Log

I’ve considered starting a blog for myself and this website I don’t know how many times at this point. Every time I come to the conclusion that yes, it may be a good idea, I’m quickly derailed from that thought train with the fact that I’ve never actually blogged before and I have no idea what I’d want to talk about or how to even do this, really.

Lexiphane has urged me to do this (as well as start streaming on Twitch again), as he will be joining the military and shipping out as early as August of this year. That’s just a couple months from now. That’s scary… Terrifying, really. I have a hard time finding a balance between “pushing the future far away so anxiety doesn’t affect my present” and “getting a headstart on mental / physical / financial preparation on what’s to come in the near future”. I get overwhelmed easily and I’ve found that this is a recurring theme in my life now. It has kept me from taking action on many ideas and even plans I’ve drawn up. I’ve discovered this is the case for friends and family as well. So here I am creating a blog to shout my ideas and observations into the abyss. Only time will tell if anything I create will ever help someone else, but I can dream.


Fear and anxiety go hand in hand. And I’ll be damned if they aren’t both very nebulous creatures of the mind. When I’m focused and in a routine, feeling good about life (ie: distracted from the Darkness), fear and anxiety seem so simple and I’d be stupid to let them get in the way. Ha, how ridiculous! All that time I spent wasting away my time in bed, trying to sleep through the worst of it. Days in a row sometimes, missing work and social invitations. How could I let these things that aren’t even real cripple me like that? But when I’m feeling incredibly depressed and completely overwhelmed by the world? It’s impossible to defeat them or even come up for air. And every single time without fail, it is the end this time and I suddenly have much more empathy for everyone I may have judged a little too harshly during my good days.

It is this type of revelation of my own mind, this part of self-actualization and gaining more self-awareness that has inspired me to create again. I need to take moments to step back outside of myself and look at the bigger picture of my reality once in a while. There is always room for improvement and things going overlooked. I believe we all could stand to do this for ourselves at least a few times throughout our lives. Imagine the impact(s) if it could be done collectively. It may sound like a crazy and vicious cycle that I go through (it is) and that perhaps I don’t really have any sound advice to offer anyone. But I do know I do get through it every time, and I say that with the belief that I’m a fairly weak-willed individual. And if I can get through these very low points and still manage to find a reason to be altruistic and help others, I believe most people can.

I think even the most selfless of the bleeding hearts among us know deep down, the world will never be “fixed”. Fake news or not, there will always be atrocities and tragedy. But this is not a good reason to completely give in to Nihilism. I know far too many people that unconsciously have given up on embracing any sort of challenge or finding magic in creation. They only find magic (happiness) in consumption.

This statement will undoubtedly be misinterpreted by those who say “Oh, so she goes on a diet and we’re all supposed to go on a diet, exercise, feel better and change the world?”. It’s not like that, and I think anyone who wants to put their foot down against a person’s idea of helping others improve their lives might be projecting some pretty deep-rooted issues of their own. There’s a lot of us who are interested in helping others, not by saying “Look at what I’m doing, do this and you’ll be happy too!” but by saying, “I want to talk you through this. Let’s start with what’s making you most unhappy, see what our options are and go from there”. In my personal experience and gauging from many conversations with others, it’s actually incredibly difficult for people to complete tasks, make plans and reach goals these days for a lot of reasons. We can quickly improve this by looking at our tech consumption alone. The people who created Facebook have pleaded to the world to stop using the shit, don’t use the shit themselves and don’t allow their children to use the shit. Yet en masse we continue to consume their product (and give away our most precious assets in exchange for the opportunity: Time and Attention) and laugh at all the “crazy conspiracy folk". This should be a warning to us. Facebook (all of social media, really) is just one tiny piece of a massive puzzle we could talk about for hours, though.

To quote some of my favorite basic bitch pictures-with-words on Instagram: Energy is real. I believe this with all of my heart. Both positive and negative energy are fucking real. You don’t even need to test this theory to discover it in your own life. Assuming you’ve changed friend groups, hobbies, jobs, locations, etc. at least once in your lifetime, you’ll know how the attitudes, habits and the overall the atmosphere around you directly affect your own mood and inspiration to do (or not do). Why not use this working theory for something good? For just a little bit of positive energy you can put out into the world today?

Why not? Leave a comment below. Give me one good, solid reason not to build something or take action with the intentions of helping others help themselves lead a happier, more fulfilling life. And yes, this applies only to those who are seeking help or open to the idea. In regards to anyone who says they don’t want to help others or see others helped, or connect with humans on a level deeper than discussing the Game of Thrones finale, or that “we’re all dead in 12 years so what’s the point?!”: Fuck ‘em.